The Beginning; Finding Everyone Back

If you can't remember who Adam really is, he's my best pal during my secondary school days. But 2 years back, I lost contact of him. He shifted thus leaving people, best friends, like me, clueless of where he lives. He changed his home number and handphone number.

Great! Totally shut off from him!

But today, three days after the new year, I received a message from an unknown number. I clicked, 'READ' and saw the text message with the word Adam at the back of the sentence. Is it him?

Adam Tan.

I messaged him, "Is that really you, Adam Tan?"

He has yet to reply but I know it's him, my best friend.

Apart from that, I've found or should I say trace to my long lost best friend, Jaka. I'm gaining back what I've lost previously.First, Janet, then, Yifang and Jimmy followed suit by Jaka and now Adam.

I must not lose them again EVER.

I nearly lost Yahn, maybe, I am going to lose him. But no, that's not going to happen. It's the new year. I should do damage control. You see, I'm never the I'm-so-sorry speech maker type of guy. I'm not good at apologizing. It's not my style.

So during that period of time, I silenced myself from those I thought I nearly 'killed' with my bastardious attitude. Now, not anymore.

-The Many Sorry(s)-

I'm sorry for the pain I've caused
The tears shed
The lives paused
The blood bled

I'm sorry for the pain I've put you through
The trouble you've had
I'm sorry for what I've done to you
I'm sorry I've been bad

I'm sorry for not knowing
That you would be like this
I'm sorry for not going
When I knew I wouldn't be missed

I'm sorry for the pain I've put you through
The trouble you've had
I'm sorry for what I've done to you
I'm sorry I've been bad

I'm sorry for the guilt and sorrow
The hurt that you've gone through
I only wanted your heart to borrow
I didnt know I'd do this to you

So please except the words I say
I know that you are mad
But please dont act this way
I'm sorry you are sad

I'm sorry for the pain I've put you through
The trouble you've had
I'm sorry for what I've done to you
I'm sorry I've been bad

I've decided to close the chapter of my one blog that I refuse to close for months back but it's been long over. I refuse to have a closure because it has good memories. Now, it's time.

(25 Dec 2005)

What I wrote;

I laughed to myself at how ironic life could be. The first time we met, probably was rather an unpleasant one. You claimed I was cold and I thought you did not like meeting me. *giggles* But we ended kissing each other. Instantly the first time I saw, I was telling myself, "Wow, this person is amazing."

And you left. I thought it would only be a one time meeting. I messaged you and you replied back. I smiled. I was elated you responded. Slowly as days passes by, we were rapidly knowing one another intensely. But I knew you were attached.

And then we met again on a Saturday for a movie; a date you had promise. Somehow, I realize I began to like you. On every book-out day, I would meet you and each time I do, my feelings for you grew. I could not hold my feelings back anymore. I texted the 'I like you' to you.

I know you could not reply me back the 3 words to me since you were attached. I understood. I did not ask for more. As long I am with you, I was contented. Soon, in a twist of event, you texted back the same words a few days later. Thrilled I was. You did not know how happy I was when I saw that message you sent to me. It was like me being teleported to paradise. *giggles*

In camp, without fail, I would look at your messages and think of you. My liking for you grew into love. I know it's only barely a month of knowing one another but the love was so intense. Have I ever tell you before that my heart was guarded? I did not want to fall in love again.. Months ... Maybe already a year, I guarded my feelings. I was afraid to be hurt again.

But after knowing you, you slowly opened up my heart. Slowly... the walls that were protecting my heart and feelings smashed into pieces.

I knew... I love you...

The warmth you gave me. The care you've shown me. The love you've given me.

The heart keychain which I bought symbolise the love from me to you. Bring it wherever you go as for you will be carrying my love for you around. Hold it tight and you will feel me. You will know that I will be thinking of you every now and then.

The thumbdrive; slick and useful. Whatever pictures I've taken or you've taken... store them in the thumbdrive. As for they are our memories. But these two were neither the actual gift I wanted to give you. It was a pair of heart shaped like keychain. One for you to keep and another for me.

But out of stock la! haha!

Anyway, ...

I told a few of my friends about us. Most supported me with what I do and what my decisions were. Cynthia, "I believe in you. I will be behind you, supporting you."

...

Desline, "Don't give up!"

Me, "Don't give up? Are you out of your mind! That person is attached and I'm like the third party. Yes, without a doubt, I love that person alot. I want to be with that person. But do you think if that's even possible?"

Desline, "You've gone so far... Try... or you will never know"

I thought that it might be possible for the both us... but then I was reminded that you were attached. Yesterday, I took a walk at the beach. Thinking I was ... the happy moments... the times we spent together. Your smile... your laughters. You are my strengths. You are the one who kept me going in camp.

When I was informed that I had to do guard duty on Sat, my heart sank so low, knowing that I could not meet you. I saw you going to the lobby but I hid behind the vending machine, not knowing what to do. Then I walked swiftly to the beach, figuring what I should do.

Should I leave you the day after or should I continue to stay to love you...

But if I stay, like you say, there won't be a future.

Each time you said that to me, the words pierced my heart terribly. And yes, it's all my fault for getting myself into this mess. I have alot of things to write... but I think this letter has been too long winded already.

My closing...

I loved you. I still love you. I will always love you. But as for now, I shall free myself from you. I believe... if fate allows, we will meet again one day...

If fate allows, fate might just let me say I love you to you for one last time.

If fate allows, ...

-Closure-