Dear Lord, Save Me

Help me. Someone help me. I can't feel anything. No emotions. For the past few days, I've been feeling tremendously sad and down that it finally shuts my emotions completely. Now, I can't feel anything.

It feels like dying, lying there motionlessly, still with your eyes wide open, able to see your surroundings, able to listen to the conversations around you.

It's tiring.

I'm confused. My significant other has been really nice and caring and loving but due to the many quarrels and misunderstandings, it shows alot to both of us how we handle the situations. I thought I did badly.

Being in a close to a year relationship with my current significant other has really tell I love my dear alot but the relationship's tainted with the many quarrels and misunderstandings till I couldn't breathe.

I had two choices in mind.

Maybe we could be friends because when we do, we don't have to quarrel anymore.

But I thought about all the good things. When I was at Taiwan, you waited. You sacrificed most of your possessions. You were there when I was sick. You came all the way from Tampines to Redhill. You did not mind that I am lazy, childish and crazy.

And then one day, I asked myself, what good attributes do I have for you to flaunt to your friends.

I want to let go of myself from you because I thought you deserve a much better person. I don't want to be selfish.

But part of me do not want to let you go because I still love you alot.

It's like my two personalities are taking turns to decide and it's killing me. Shah Rizal wants his significant other while Issac Ritz wants to let go.

All I need to know now is your answer. Or Issac might just go by our default answer. Or maybe you guys can have some say in this matter by commenting at the comment box for this entry.

Invitation To MOS

I will still say NO. I promised myself not to club or drink anymore unless my good friends celebrate their birthdays there, then I am left with no choice but to go. But that doesn't mean I will drink. I will not drink.

Very tempting leh!

Shah Rizal, "No! Control myself."

Morning Run

I thought this would be a better way to kick my clubbing and drinking habit. It's been 23 days since I clubbed and 2 months since I took alcohol.

So, today, just now, I was tempted to club because I was feeling down and lost. I thought clubbing would solve everything.

But then again, I thought, that's not what I want. I want to have a healthy lifestyle. So if you ever think of asking me to club with you, I will give a strict NO. We can do other better things than to club and drink.

I went for a morning run. I left house at 12 and started run at one in the morning from my house, bukit merah, to Raffles Place and back to my house. It took me 3 hours plus to complete the run minus the rest time.

I sweat alot but felt that I've achieved something in life.

Shah Rizal's isn't weak afterall. He managed to make Issac Ritz not to club for the first time in his life. Usually, if Issac's feeling down and are asked to club by friends, he would agree without hesitations.

But finally, today he said no.

Is Shah Rizal coming back? Is the old Shah Rizal coming back?

Seriously, if he does, life will be very dull.

Issac Ritz Taking Over

Multiple personality disorder, a neurosis in which the personality becomes dissociated into two or more distinct parts each of which becomes dominant and controls behavior from time to time to the exclusion of the other parts.

That's what I thought.

I started having split personality since three years ago. I am Shah Rizal. This is me writing. I'm trying to warn you that Issac Ritz is taking over and I have no idea of how to get rid of him. Though I like him to be around because he protects me, he is a chaotic person; someone who is very different from me.

I am soft spoken and likeable by nature but he, is someone, who self destructs and creates havocs.

Help me. Is there no way to get rid of him?

I believe only a few know I have split personality and a few only believed.

The person suffering a dissociation does not completely disengage from reality, she or he may appear to have multiple personalities to deal with different situations. When an alter cannot cope with stress, the consciousness of the person is believed to be given over to another personality to eliminate the trigger or pressure causing the stress.

Dissociation is not sociopathic or compulsive. The biological stress caused by the original trauma is relieved by partially shunting the emotional response, which causes the reptilian complex to learn to dissociate reactively.

Stoned; No More Space For Mistakes

"Good, you're doing exactly what I had asked you to do. Numb yourself and hate everyone around you.' said Him.

"It will do you no good if you're still that clean goody-two-shoe Isaac." continued Him.

"Isn't it good to feel different for once?" said Him.

I have no more room for mistakes or slow downs in life.

Destructive Mode

Everyone has a good and bad side. I'm a Geminian and that makes things worse. I have a split personality. I've always been that goody-two-shoe guy, that all so nice guy, that never get angry guy.

But today, I was shot at the heart.

I laid motionlessly on the floor but I still can feel myself breathing. I know I was going to die. My good side slowly faded away with my heart. My eyes started to close.

"No! You will not die."

I shall ... take over you...

My eyes slowly turned black. My veins popping out. I did not smell death anymore. I got up. I felt good. Corrrection, I felt great.

It's like I've never felt this way before. I am not me anymore.

What shall we do today? I asked myself.

"We shall do wild things tonight." said Him (My Evil twin).

Like what?

"You have not been clubbing for quite some time. Let's do that tonight. Club. Get drunk. And flirt around." said Him.

I can't drink. I will get drunk easily. And that spells disaster.

"That's what we want. To create havoc. To be evil. to spread evil." replied Him.

Understood.

Angel, "You still have some goodness left in you...Isaac."

"There shall be no more goodness left in me. I shall destroy anyone obsturcting his path and you shall be the first to die, Angel." said Him.

"Nobody can stop me." He shouted.

When The Good Meet The Bad Twin

I always keep a yellow ball with me. Inside, my evil twin. Yeah, I know it's kind of funny but once, I see a witch and she gave me this ball. She said I can trap anyone I hate in this very ball. I was like, WOW!

I bought the yellow ball at the price of $6519,90. Cool ya?

It was a very sunny weather and I thought maybe I will just let my evil twin out for a moment.

Go evil twin!

And then, the entire premises were engulfed in thick fog.

My evil twin look super cool!

Now, I regret letting him out!

The Arrival of My Geeky Twin

It only seems like yesterday that I last saw my geeky twin, Corsola Ritz. He was abroad for 4 years studying medicine and now he's back. He's having his school holidays. Good for him, bad for me. I can't afford to be seen with my geeky twin.

He's such a loser. He's not even street-smart. Darn, my freedom.

Look at the way he dresses up; outrageous! Fashion disaster. A mockery to the fashion world. I have to keep a distance from him. We look alike but our fashion styles are totally different.

Corsola, clapping his hands with enthusiasm (he looks like a retard when he does that everytime), asked, "Where are we going?"

"I'm going to leave you at some place for you to rot..."

"Where are we at now?"

With his bloody disgusting high degree glasses, he stared hard at the map to take a closer look where we were at.

He pouted his lips, "Ooo, this is tedious. Look at all the weird names. Jalan Bukit Merah. Jalan Papang. What weird names."

"Right, let me bring you to some nice places, probably the less crowded places," I said.

Corsola adjusted his glasses and looked around for anything that might just interest him. Well, the only thing that interest him are books, books and more books. Girls? Neh.

"Stop right there! Before you go anywhere, buy a ticket. Without a ticket, you can't travel," I shouted.

Corsola took out a 50 dollar note and was ever ready to slot the note into the machine.

"You imbecile! That's for NETS or Giro transactions! I thought you were educated enough to know where to slot that damn 50 dollar note!"