The Love That Was Never Meant To Be



Warning: Skip this entry if you are not interested in reading something long and draggy, mushy and romance, bitterness and love. Jealousy and hatred.



It all started when I was turning 18...



I didn't know what love tasted like... I didn't had the chance to hold the hands of someone I love...I didn't had the chance to share my life with someone special... I didn't had anyone to shared my life with...



Not that I was depressed by it. I was fine with being single. But there were times, times like then, when I wished there was someone there for me. Someone I know I could look to in times of happiness and sadness.



I could only seek comfort in my friends but they can only provide me with so much. That void that no other form of love, be if from friends or family, can fill in.



I liked a few people before. It' be totally ridiculous if I said i haven't fancied anyone before. But with people whom I know will never be able to reciprocate the feelings. I could only have feelings for them secretly and after a while I'll tell myself to forget them and move on.



Yet when I saw them sometimes I wonder if I should feel sad or happy. Sad that they cannot and never will be together with me? Happy that I'd managed to get over them?



But whatever it was, I will never shed any tears. Maybe it's because they're just puppy love; crushes you'd call it or a case of physical attraction.



I'd been trying to picture my ideal partner. I wanted someone who's humurous and self-confident. Someone who doesnt mind making a fool out of themselves. Someone who lights up the place wherever they goes. Someone who'll do romantic stuff for me.



And then I snapped. Will I ever find someone like that? Crap. I am not even good-looking like a few of my friends whom I envy for having the great looks. Sometimes, I feel inferior. Sometimes, I wished I don't exist.



But however I should be thankful to God for what he had given to me. And there were those who were mort intellectual than me, capable than me. I sighed. I am not perfect.



Months passed and I was still searching for my other half but to no avail.



And then I went to IRC to chat with new people, in hopes of finding my other half who I longed for. I wanted to love and also to share the love with my other half.



*Ding*



Fifteen minutes had passed and I was still chatting with this person who I thought could be the one. Afterward, I decided to call the person when midnight striked and when a new year will begin.



Suprisingly, we hit of well. I felt weird, as though I had found my other half. And then the moment came. Both of us had the idea of getting into a relationship and so we did.



But somehow, it was rather fast. The next day we met. At first, we didn't talk much. I was shy and tongue-tied. I only nodded to every questions my other half asked.



Then on the bus, I plucked up the courage to hold my other half's hand. It caught my other half by suprise.



Then my other half leaned on my shoulder and fell asleep. It was a very nice feeling. Warmth. Loved.



Though we loved each other alot, we do quarrel everyday even if it was a trivial matter.



Days passed and it was Valentines Day. My other half was going to bring me to some place special, a place where we would remember forever. I held my other half tightly and planted a soft kiss on the cheeks.



'We're nearly there,' my other half said.



I held on to my other half's hand and ran toward the place that we were heading to. In split seconds, we were finally there. My other half was suprised for the fact that I remembered the memorial that was located near Raffles City was a place my other half would love to visit. I was being attentive to everything my other half said as I really love my other half alot.



My other half was touched.



I gently grabbed my the other half by the arms and wiped the tears that was trickling my the other half's cheeks and I whispered to my other half, 'You're born with a beautiful, angelic face and a magnanimous heart. I love you so much. I want to be with you forever. I want to spend the rest of my life...with you.'



Then I kissed my other half's forehead and went down on one of my knees in front of the memorial under the beautiful full moon, facing my other half. Everything was perfect. The skies were glittering with stars, the wind was breezy and the place was so quiet that I could hear the wind whispering to my ears.



My other half was taken aback. And then I reached out for my other half's hand and took out a small box from my pocket.



'I, Shah Rizal Isaac will love you with all my heart and never part with you. I promise to take care of you, to love you even more and I want you to be part of my life,' I said.



I opened the box and took out a ring...and slipped through my other half's fourth finger. I looked up and smiled. ' I love you'. I got up and hugged my other half tightly.



Everything went well when suddenly, I had doubts in my other half and thus leading to a major argument.



My other half was tired of the constant quarrels we had. My other half wanted to end the relationship and so it did. My other half returned me the ring and the book which was a diary of me and my other half.



It was once something very invaluable to me. Inside, I wrote the places I went, the gifts I've made and bought and the things I did with my other half. No, don't think dirty. Of course, I didn't record.. "Oh, we kissed." or "We touch each other and moan..."



At the very bottom of each page, I would pen down, "I love you dearly and hope this love would be ever lasting." But it was just another fairytale that will never come true.



We constantly quarreled even over the slightest things or mistakes. We broke up, then patch up and then broke up again and then get back together again. It happened over and again.



Both of us were tired but I didn't really want to end the beautiful relationship even though we quarreled often. Unfortunately, it has to end and the decision was made by my other half.



And sometimes, even though it was not my fault, I gave in. Each time, we broke up, I would wait - wait for my other half to simmer down. But not this time. I waited as for my other half promised that one day we will be back together again.



This hit me hard. I keep quiet and send my other half home. We meet up a few days later and my other half said a month time was needed for my other half to think over and I agreed.



A month time was like a living hell for me, I was in great pain, the pain that no one can think of it is just one more step to hell. There is grief inside me that can’t be spoken and pain will goes on and on.



I waited and waited and the one month was already over. I was hoping, really hoping for my other half to accept me back but then I realized my other half was already attached to another guy.



I was filled with bitterness and disappointment.



And the reason for why my other half chose him over me was because the other guy hadn't much time to live. My other half wanted to fulfil his wish by being with him, giving him the love and care he needed.



I was torn. I was selfish. I wanted my other half back. I didn't really care what explanation my other half gave.



Days passed and I knew I had to forget about my other half and move on with my life. And so I did.



But when I do and when I was able to forget about my other half, my other half came looking for me and wanted me back. How irony was that. But all I wanted was to move on.



My other half texted me messages every night on how lonely, sad my other half was but all the love and care I had ever given to my other half had diminished.



Then I realized that I would just be treated as a spare tyre each time my other half broke up with another guy, urging me and making me to believe that we should patch up back. But each time, I would tell my other half that I no longer have the same love and care I had for my other half, zoom off my other half go with another guy.



Before I end my entry, I want to recommend that when emotions need to be conveyed to the other person, SMS-ing is the worst thing to use for conveying messages because neither one knows the emotion put into that message.



He or she presses 'Ok' and send with a smile or a good gesture and you read it in a different manner and vice versa. That may kill your mood and the other party. It is more wiser to meet up and see each other's expressions and body language.



Signing Off,

Shah Rizal Isaac