For Gays And Those Bisexuals

Many men have fantasies about, and sexual contact with, other men, both in their teenage years and in adulthood, and yet they would never dream of describing themselves as gay. So how is a young teenager who feels attracted to other boys or older men, or a married man who feels an urge to seek out sexual contact with other men, going to identify himself sexually?

We all seem to have a need to label ourselves one way or another, which I personally don't think is helpful, but like penis size, it's almost an issue that is forced on us by society's expectations.

I would like to offer some thoughts, guidance, information and reassurance about sexual feelings and activities between men, and some interpretation of what it all might mean for you - especially if you are a teenage boy or a married man.

Muahaha, this is going to be interesting.

What proves a man gay or bisexual?

Is it the way he thinks? If, for example, you fantasize about men when masturbating, or you find yourself with an erection in the showers, does that mean you are gay?

Here's what my friend asked me.

I might have a stupid question, but I do not know who to ask. I am 19 yrs old and still have no control when I get an erection. It is like I am in primary school and just hitting puberty. I am terrified to take showers with other guys because of it.

I am not gay or turned on by the other naked guys or their penis, but just being naked and around other naked people just makes it pop up. I do not even think about sex and it happens. I have tried everything. I think about other things and try to stay focused on something but it never works. Is this normal or does it mean that I am indeed gay?

My reply;

I do understand how embarrassing this may be for you! Whether a man is gay or not, he might not want to get an erection at the drop of a hat in a room of naked men! (Although the good side is that you are obviously very virile and sexually healthy....even if it is inconvenient, that really is something to be proud of....it affirms your manhood and masculinity).

Men stop getting spontaneous erections in their twenties or thirties, and then need physical stimulation for their penis to become erect.

Second, are you gay? Let's think about it. I have met many gay, bisexual and straight men over the years. One thing that is clear is that there isn't always a clear division between these three ways of being sexual. You probably know that many married or apparently heterosexual men have had sexual experiences with another man in adult life.

There are many possible reasons for this: simple curiosity, lack of a sexual partner, it's simply exciting because it's "forbidden", feelings of affection or admiration spill over (as they do so easily in men) into sexiness.

No doubt you could think of many more reasons. Does this mean these men are gay? I don't think so, because men who see themselves as gay will often tell you that they are not sexually attracted to women at all, even if they have close female friends.

I think anything which is mutually consented, based on respect and equality, and fun, is perfectly acceptable for adults to do together, whether they are the same sex or not. Of course there is always the issue of avoiding hurt to any one else in the situation, which is very important too.

However, if you do feel attracted to men, what I'm saying is that it might mean you're gay - or it might not. But you need to keep in mind that admiring the look of other male bodies - whether or not you are attracted to them - is quite normal! And in fact the male body in general and the penis in particular are both wonderful.

A male body is a sexy thing - the evidence of this is a penis dangling in front of every man for him to see, all the time. In this way, with such overt stimuli, and the sexiness of your 19 year old body, I wouldn't necessarily read gayness into your erections. I could read sexual frustration and sexiness there, instead.

Third, how do you know if you are gay? Well, the classic advice is that if your fantasies center on men or their penises when you masturbate then you're probably gay. (By the way, are you masturbating?...I guess probably you are, but if you're not, then doing so might give you pleasure and reduce your tendency to get an erection in the showers.)

But even this isn't a perfect guide: many straight men fantasize about having sex with other men, and never do it. This is emotion spilling into the realm of sexuality, which happens because those two things are so closely linked in men. But I think there is enough truth in this for it to be helpful in deciding where your interest might lie: if you fantasize about one or other sex and find it feels right then that may well be a sign of your sexual orientation.

The bit about "it feeling right" is very important: men who don't want to be gay - which I believe applies to most gay men before they come to terms with their orientation and learn the happiness and acceptance that being gay can provide - often deceive themselves for years that their attraction to women is strong or comfortable for them, when it just doesn't feel right - and, more to the point, they know it isn't right, at some level, even if they aren't admitting it to themselves yet.

Finally, your sexuality will probably evolve anyway as you get older, and as you get more sexual experience.

I don't know. In general, though, I guess that if a man is really deeply involved with the question of whether he's gay or not, the process of coming to terms with it is a long and slow one. He needs to gather as much information as possible, assess the facts, and experiment sexually to find out what is right. This process, of course, is no different for anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation.