Anger Management



Anger is 'an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.' Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenalin and noradrenalin.



Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.



The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.



Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn them you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.





Relaxation



Some simple steps you can try:



- Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your 'gut.'



- Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as 'relax', 'take it easy'. Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.



- Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.



- Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.



Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.



Problem-Solving



Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution but rather on how you handle and face the problem.



Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. (People who have trouble with planning might find a good guide to organizing or time management helpful.) Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts, and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.



Better Communication



Angry people tend to jump to --and act on-- conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do, if you are in a heated discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.



Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your 'significant other' wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting you partner as a jailer, a warden or an albatross around your neck.



It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger --or a partner's-- let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.



Using Humor



'Silly humor' can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. if you're at work and you think of a co-worker as a 'dirt-bag' or a 'single-cell life form,' for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleagues desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help un-knot a tense situation.



The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is 'things oughta go my way!' Angry people tend to feel that they are morally correct, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them.



When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being a little unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are.



There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just 'laugh off' your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.



What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself to seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.



Changing Your Environment



Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the trap you seem to have fallen into, and all the people and things that form that trap.



Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some 'personal time' scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first fifteen this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared.



Some other tips for easing up on yourself:



Timing: if you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night -- perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit -- try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.



Avoidance: if your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say'well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!' That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.



Finding alternatives: if your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project -- learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.



Signing Off,

Shah Rizal Isaac