i need to be loved so much, i want to feel loved

I gets lots and lots of mails from people, especially women, who tell me that they need love so much or that they want someone to love them.

Sometimes this mail states the problem directly and sometimes it states it indirectly. for example, Many people send me mails telling me that they feel really bad after a breakup because they are not sure whether they were loved or not.

The need to be loved is in fact the main reason some people feel bad after breakups and not their love towards the person they broke up with!!

Those people usually say things such as "I just want to know if he loved me or not" after breakups, and in fact, as soon as they realize that they were loved they get over the person in no time!!

Why would someone need to be loved that much? and why would someone care about being loved more than caring about the relationship itself?

The psychological need for love

One of the basic needs all human beings have is the need of love. In psychology we don't consider a certain need a disorder as long as it doesn't affect the person's life in a bad way but when the need for love:

1. Prevents you from living a happy life. "love has no meanings unless i find someone who loves me" Sounds familiar?.
2. Is so exaggerated to the extent that you always doubt that you are loved.
3. When the need for love Becomes the most important thing in your life

If the previous symptoms are found then certainly there is something wrong about your way of thinking that you must understand. If all you care about in this world is to feel loved or to find someone who can love you then you need to dig deep in your past to find out what happened to your personality that resulted in this strange development of your needs.

Why do certain people need love more than others

Humans beings are different and as a result each one grows having different desires and drives than others according to his past experiences. Some past experiences might make the person unsure of his real worth and thus always make him in need for love or a proof that he is as good as others. 

Here are some examples of events that might result in that intense need of love:

• The need for love and neglecting the child: The first two people the child ever comes in contact with are his father and mother .Some parents are distant, aloof and cold. When the child is raised by such parents he starts to doubt his importance and he develops intense need of love later on in his life. When that child grows up his primary goal becomes feeling loved and he always starts to doubt the love of his relationship partner. Its so common to hear such people say "I want to be loved by my husband" or "i want to be loved by my wife". 
• Birth order and the need for love: Only children and youngest ones rarely feel unloved unless their parents are distant, however, children who are dethroned by a younger sibling usually feel less loved. Its so common for an older child to feel that his parents love his younger siblings more than him. Again when that child grows he tries to succeed in whatever he failed to do in the past and that's why he always tries to feel loved or develops intense need for love. 
• The need for love & The need for approval: Some people need to feel loved for a different reason. For them the need for love is just a step that helps them get approval. Those people usually have self esteem Issues and they only feel worthy when they feel loved. In such a case developing self confidence is the best thing the person can do to get over the person he broke up with

I am so much in need of love!

If you found yourself saying things like "I need someone to love me" or "I don't feel loved" then you must quickly conclude that you are looking for love itself and not a lover and that your psychological needs are not balanced.

Don't worry if you found that you need love so bad or that you don't feel loved by your husband or wife. First you need to understand that your need for love is exaggerated because one of the above reasons and this will help you to recover.

The second thing you must do is try to to develop self esteem and become less reliant on others to feel loved.

Finally you need to alter your thinking patterns completely so that you stop repeating negative phrases that might fool you into believing that you are not loved and so intensify your need for love.

If you always think that people don't love you or that they treat you well because they are nice rather than loving you then you must change your self talk in order to end this problem. Once you learn how to think differently this intense need for love will fade as the time passes.