TO LOVE OR NOT TO LOVE. (ONE HEART FOR THREE PEOPLE)



A week ago...



"Are you free this friday? Are you schooling this friday" asked my EX with a quivering voice.



"Probably, it really have to depend. I've not yet complete my project and for next week, there will be several tests that I have to study for. Why did you ask?" I replied.



"Well, ... nothing. I was just asking for the sake of asking," said my EX.



I was having my doubts and I know what you were going to ask me. "Are you free this Friday, so that you can see me for the last time before I leave for Myanmar?" or "I hope that you can send me off from the airport..."



In the end, I was unable to send you off. I couldn't get away from school work. There were too much to be done in such a short time. But now I ...regret. It will be 15 days from now before you fly back to Singapore. Somehow, I do miss you.



Gosh why am I feeling this way after what you have done to me. You have broken my heart over and over again but though I was hurt in the process, I still, ever so persistent, wanted to patch back. I waited... for more than a month.



You told me that you wanted to take a break from this relationship. You were tired of the consistent and every-day quarrel. I fulfilled your wish and gave you time to cool off. Everyday without fail, I would text at least one message to you, to let you know that I've not forgotten about you and that I am still waiting.



And then, it was more than a month. The wait was finally over and I found out what was really going on! You went out with another guy. You claimed to still love me even though you've been seeing that guy. And the guy loves you so much. I was so over the top and of course, jealous. How could you?



I was lost, confused. What am I suppose to do now? I asked myself. And you said, "I am still not in a relationship with him yet. I still haven't decide on who to choose yet? I still love you...I do."



What crap! You can't have both world. You have to choose. But in the end, I chose to let you go. I fabricated a story of a non-existent person loving me and that the person's love for me was true.



How suprise I was the following day when you told me that you were attached to the new guy. How farking pissed I was. But a few days later, you told me that things didn't work out between you and him. And that he left you knowing that you still love me.



I was like huh!? Finally, you told me the 'truth'... You have to accept his love not because you love him but you wanted to make him happy. Initially, I don't really get you. How can you accept someone when you don't really love that person?



And then you told me he has only a year to live as he was suffering from some kind of cancer. I really find it hard to accept the truth or whether you have been lying to me all this while. You have change your freaking answers time and again even though you were being asked on the same question. How could I believe you?



Were you fabricating the story or was that the truth. Till now I am still unsure. But regardless of what happened, of what you told me, I chose to believe you. Sometimes, I feel so silly. Should I wait for your return or should I not?



*****



Back to the present...



I tried to forget about you but sometimes, I just couldn't do it. I tried to focus my attention somewhere else. I log onto the net and chatted in IRC, not looking for love but only to make more new friends.



And then I chatted with this person named Z. We exchange contacts but didn't really have the time to text messages to Z as I was pretty much caught up with school work. But finally, when I was alittle less busy, I chatted with Z on IRC. I and Z had some kind of chemistry going on between us.



We have so many things in common...so many. Z's really a humorous person and everytime I am feeling down or moody, Z has always been there to comfort me. Judging from the last few chats I had with Z, Z seemed to be a very shy and quiet person. Days has passed and I began to have a liking for Z.



Z has been so nice...just so nice to me and understanding. Each time, when we were having conversations, I would always ask Z to wait, probably at those moments, I was busy or something had cropped up. And that Z have never flared up before or give any attitude problems to me.



Somehow, I really feel connected to Z though it has only been a few days. I feel so secure chatting with Z each time.



*****



In school...



Everyday has always been so busy for me. There are projects to be done by this week and tests to be revised for next week. I am starting to feel the pressure getting on me. I feel so stressed up.



Today, I got back my test paper I did for yesterday. I was so afraid to take my paper back. I feared that I might not score well or even thought of the outcome of failing. But I plucked up the courage and approached the subject teacher. She handed me my test paper back but I didn't dare to look at the marks.



I was already feeling disappointed even before knowing my marks. I knew I didn't perform well. I just have the gut feeling that I failed terribly. *Snaps!* I didn't want to drag further. I really wanted to know my marks.



I flipped the paper to the front and was utterly shocked. I passed! But I was pretty sure that I didn't really do that well yesterday. Anyway, I passed. I scored 65/100. But I wasn't satisfied with my marks. I wanted to get 80+ but I knew that's impossible since I didn't give my best for this test.



I was feeling a little down. I went to the school's cafeteria with my classmates for my break. I walked down the stairs when I saw someone that really caught my attention ... walking up the stairs, walking past me. I turned around and stole some glances at the person.



I've been noticing the person for quite some time now. I think I've a crush on that person. I really wish, somehow, some way, I can get close to the person. I'm just wondering how.



Some days back...



I was in the school's cafeteria, drinking a glass of bandung when suddenly I saw the person whizzed past me to the drink stall. I was looking at the person intensely. Oh man, the person really melts my heart away. The way the person way - so elegant, so sophisticated.



The person sat down four tables away from me,alone. I thought of approaching the person but I just couldn't. I was afraid. I was numb! Ha ha! And then his friends came to sit down with him. There was once when I kept on gazing at the person that the person noticed but I looked away. I blushed.



Oh god...help me...why am I so indecisive.