Project Ask; What is Love?

Dear Devina,

I may not be the right person answering your question but here's my 2 cents worth.

You cannot find love. It finds you.

Those who try to seek love via match-making websites or other means (friends, speed dating, SDU) often get a sad compromise when they find someone who's equally desperate to settle down and it's a mutual case of "okay you'll have to do for now" rather than being madly in love.

You will meet the person who is right for you when the time is right - you cannot force the hand of fate or destiny. Some people who have religious faith see this as allowing the will of their god to guide their destiny through life.

I propose being outgoing, friendly, sociable and kind - enjoy an active social life, get to know loads of people, be involved in loads of interesting social groups and activities and be good to yourself. Take pride in the way you look, dress well, speak well, behave well - present the most positive side of yourself to the world and if you do that, people will like you and you will have many friends. As for love, once you've put yourself in that positive situation of having a vibrant, active social life - allow fate to do the rest.

Let's think of an example. You feel ready to replace your car with a nice new model, although the current one does perfectly well. So you read about new cars, look at reviews, pictures, specifications. You may even go to expositions, walk into showrooms, test drive some models. While doing all that, you may come to a sudden realization: you know which is the car that has everything you want and is a perfect match to your ideal, and you start dreaming about this car.

In the case of the car, it is easy: you just buy the car. But a soul mate, we cannot buy. What if our soul mate doesn't feel that we are his soul mate? What if he or we are already in a relationship?

So I would not forget about the issue and leave it up to love to find me, relying on a belief in fate, destiny. I think the issue is worth getting well informed about, and gaining experience. If we can live without any urges for this love, so the better.

The dictionary defines love in several ways in which we use the word. For example, love is:

1) A strong positive emotion of; affection or pleasure; e.g, "His love for his work." or "I love cooking."

2) Any object of warm affection or devotion or liking: "The theater was her first love". "I love French food".

3) Beloved: a beloved person; used as a term of endearment.

4) A deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction; e.g., "She was his first love" or "She loves her husband."

5) A score of zero in tennis or squash: "It was 40-love!"

6) Sexual love: sexual intercourse between two people. e.g. "They made love." "He hadn't had any love in months".

Love is difficult to define. How do you avoid confusing it with infatuation or lust?

There are many combinations, all of which form some kind of love. Is there passion and friendship but very little commitment? This is defined as "passionate love." Are you committed but feel no passion or friendship? This is called "empty love." What most people ultimately desire, is "TRUE LOVE" the total package: passion, intimacy, friendship and commitment in one healthy relationship. It's the most fulfilling love.